I consider myself a strong woman..but strength has nothing to do with this.
The sadness of losing Shannon is always there…
like it’s waiting for a moment of quiet to be suddenly heavy on my heart.
The sadness of losing Shannon is always there…
like it’s waiting for a moment of quiet to be suddenly heavy on my heart.
Sometimes I feel like I’m too busy to even breathe!
I’m juggling babies and house and work and relationships.
I can’t remember the last time I actually slept straight through the night..
or ate without some little cutie sneaking from my plate or trying to climb into my lap like something sooo exciting is going on that they musttt be a part of it…. ;)
So when I do have time to pray or to reflect on this loss..it can be overwhelming.
This is my first experience with grief..
I feel waves of sadness and then waves of anger and then waves of
OH my GOSH how did this happen..
The other day, during Christmas time, it was especially hard. I was so angry..upset over the memories I wasn’t going to be able to make with Shannon here on earth. Her wedding.. our kids playing together..being old ladies together haha..even if we were states away!
And even though I pray every night for ‘his’ conversion…that day my heart just felt…angry.
And then I would think of her babies..without her. and it breaks my heart.
I want to not be angry. I want to think about the fun and special memories instead of her tragic death.
Jesus, please take away my anger. Help all of us who are missing her to heal..and to trust.
I know there will be tougher days than others..but you are a faithful God.
Shannon, shower us with blessings from above.
I know you are doing things up there more powerful then you could do here..
I’m sure you are up there praying for all the women you see here who are experiencing
what you went through…being an angel to each of them..
I remember the time we all got together over Christmas break and went to Centennial Park in Downtown Atlanta. We loved it there. We went ice skating..and just goofed off.
I’m so glad we brought a video camera so we could always remember that time.
I really was so lucky in my high school years to be surrounded by such awesome friends.
We were “good kids”…and occasionaly got into trouble..(barely. in all honesty.)
I hope that my girls one day have friends like I did growing up..
friends that were kind, uplifting, authentic, loyal and into their faith!!
friends who LOVED LIFE.
I want to remember her like this.
(I made this video as a Christmas present to my friends back in 2003.)
For any of you grieving over a loss..my heart is with you.
And even though as busy women we can sometimes
not have a chance to work through it then it
hits us all of a sudden….know that you are not alone.
Thank you for following along with me in this process of healing..
I’m lucky to have such a wonderful husband helping me through this. I pray that everyone missing her has someone like I do to lean on in hard moments. I also have my sweet girls.
The beautiful faith of a child always amazes me and opens my eyes to trust more.
The other day we were looking out the window at the sunset..sophia goes “mommy heaven is there! God and Mary and the angels are there! Baby Jesus was born..we have to be quiet!” She didn’t realize what she was saying was what I needed to hear..even if it wasn’t in the same context as she meant. But I took it as yes.. Baby Jesus was born…..we have to be quiet(still..) and trust.
If you have been touched by her story and would like to
visit her Memorial Page you can visit here.
Please Pray for peace in our world
and for all those affected by Domestic Violence.
Emily
January 7, 2012 at 5:58 pmMy heart just breaks for you… Anger can be such a powerful and overwhelming emotion. Just hold on to those “happy thoughts,” and know that we are all praying for Shannon and those that loved her!
Laura
January 7, 2012 at 6:32 pmNatalie, I identify with this post so much. I find myself constantly thinking about the memories Shannon and I were “supposed” to have. Like her being a bridesmaid whenever I get married and helping me when I become a mommy. Simple things like her planning on staying with me last summer while she was traveling to Texas. Things that never got to happen and will never happen. So I understand the anger and disappointment. Thank you for sharing and making me feel like I’m not alone in this. :)
L.A.
January 7, 2012 at 6:53 pmOn Natalie! I soooo needed this today! And how precious was your little girl looking at the sunset-such honesty and unabashed display of faith. How I wish we could all have that faith.
Heather L.
January 7, 2012 at 11:22 pmOh my gosh, how sweet what Sophia said – I love it!!!
I wish I had some answers about the stages of grief. I don’t think I am following them, whatever they are supposed to be. I lost my fourth baby at 10 weeks of pregnancy, and I am still SO mad about it. I don’t realize it and then it just comes out and it surprises me. I told my husband last weekend that I just wanted to hurt someone like I was hurting – I was SHOCKED to hear myself say that! I don’t feel like I feel that way at all, but it just came out during a “meltdown” I was having and it really upset me. I think you are right, as moms we don’t have a lot of time to dwell on these things, and then it just comes at times when it’s quiet.
I have been praying for you, and continue to. Shannon was such a beautiful girl, and I can tell that she made a huge impact on so many lives. You are such a great friend to her, and I know she knows that even today. Big (((HUGS))) to you.