I almost didn’t share this..
Because a part of me thinks that this might be too personal..or in your face religious..
but in a conversation with my mom…I was told “It’s your blog!” and she’s right..
so….here it goes. I’m known to ramble..so hopefully this makes sense.
Because a part of me thinks that this might be too personal..or in your face religious..
but in a conversation with my mom…I was told “It’s your blog!” and she’s right..
so….here it goes. I’m known to ramble..so hopefully this makes sense.
In a way it’s a lot easier to talk about parties and recipes than to go deep..
but if this is going to be a blog about me..than religion has to be in it.
because my Catholic faith is a big part of me.
but if this is going to be a blog about me..than religion has to be in it.
because my Catholic faith is a big part of me.
Most of you who follow my blog..
know the struggles I’m going through right now.
I am so blessed in life..but a part of me is broken because
She was murdered.
by the estranged father of her children.
during a custody exchange.
brutally and maliciously murdered.
Sometimes in my mind I have flashes of the occurrence of events go by.
it’s like a horror movie. And I flinch and shake my head.
I find myself doing it without even thinking.
Like as if shaking my head would make it go away.
Or make me forget or stop thinking about it faster.
Writing this right now I’m almost in tears. I have a knot in my stomach.
I would much rather be working up the few remaining printable orders…
or planning my cookie exchange party..or doing that logo design for my dad..
but I wanted to take 5 minutes out..to share this.
Because who knows..maybe you are going through something like this too..
or know someone who is.
I just got home from retreat with my husband and his youth group kids.
AWESOME kids. all on an amazing journey in their faith and their relationship with God.
It’s amazing seeing them going deep and putting themselves
out there to learn more..to be vulnerable and be silent..to pray.
I led one of the small groups on saturday night..and we talked about Silence.
Silence is a hard thing. it gives you a moment to think about things you don’t always want to think about.. to remember things you don’t always want to remember.
But it can be very powerful. It’s pertinent to your relationship with God. if you don’t pray..
how can you know Him? how can you expect to hear Him if you aren’t trying to listen?
I pray..but not nearly enough. And lately…praying is hard for me..because it requires silence.. that 1….is hard to come by. and 2. gives me time to think…think about my brokenness.
On saturday night of retreat…we have Adoration.
As Catholics we believe that God is present in the Eucharist.
We adore Him. We sing.. we kneel..we take that time to be with Him..and Him with us.
I love adoration..but not this time.. I didn’t want to “feel” if that makes sense.
I wanted to just focus on the kids and their problems or struggles or intentions..
But no one needed me that night…everyone was focused on Him..praying..
and I was in the back..kneeling with my hands open..
And even though I didn’t want to…I was drawn to talk to Him.
He was right there!! I felt Him Present.
I’ve never had an experience where I could say..
“I was praying and I heard God tell me…__fill in the blank__”
I have faith..so I know He hears me. Even Mother Teresa had many many years of “Darkness”..where she did not feel Him present in Prayer.
I still pray..But this night..was different… I just kept telling Him over and over……..
I don’t understand. I don’t understand. Please heal my heart. I don’t understand.
(ah cry baby..mascara is running now.)
I am a talker..and sometimes when I’m praying…I’m doing all the talking..
not even giving Him a chance to give His take on things. ;)
I suppose I always felt like..would He really say anything anyways??
I’ll just put everything out there to keep this conversation going…
But that was wrong of me.
For the first time..I actually was like ok, Natalie…let’s just listen..
because obviously..I don’t have it all figured out.
I want to hear what HE has to say..So I was quiet.
And that is easier said than done…but I tried. harder than ever.
I just kept saying over and over speak to me Jesus..speak to me..
and the wierdest thing happened..
I heard nothing…..
but something.
The best way to describe it was how when I put my ear to sienna’s door…
to hear if she is wrestling around..if she is waking up or not..
Sometimes I don’t hear anything..but I KNOW she is there..
I hear the noisemaker..or the heat kick in…
It’s silent..but I KNOW she is present.
THAT….is how I felt during 2 minutes of my prayer that night.
2 MINUTES! maybe even less… but it was Powerful.
I felt like God was realy present..and He heard me…and I heard Him.
Maybe no amazing sign like the sun dancing or a bush catching on fire…
but it was a sign for me.. that He was really there.
and I told Him……
hug shannon for me.
and that was it.
I’m going to keep on listening more..
and setting aside time to pray and not do all the talking.
that’s it. that’s all I wanted to share.
that’s my personal raw religious post for the day..haha.
If you are reading this and wondering how you ended up here when you probably just came to look at party theme ideas or a cookie recipe….thanks for reading anyways. :)
Little stay at home momma
December 13, 2011 at 9:29 pm<3
Cajun Cowgirl
December 13, 2011 at 11:01 pmI love this post and completely understand your prayer experience. Thanks for sharing this tiny part of your journey with us and may God continue to heal your heart in His way and in His time.
LeAnna
December 13, 2011 at 11:22 pmSo glad you shared. Our God is faithful, and ever present. His Word says to be still and know that He is God. It’s so hard to be still (and silent, as you said), but it’s there that we know Him. Praise the Lord that through Christ’s sacrafice for us on the cross, we have opportunity to boldy approach the throne of Grace.
Andrea
December 14, 2011 at 1:54 amI am so glad that you shared this experience. It is always easier to talk and very hard to listen during a prayer. I know I need to work on that. It is nice to hear someone speak about God. I think too many people feel afraid or ashamed to talk about their faith, but it shouldn’t be so. I like to hear that there are religious people out there, even though we might all believe something different, it is still nice to hear peoples’ beliefs and their faith!
L.A.
December 14, 2011 at 1:56 amThank you so much for this! I just lost my father less than a month ago and I totally feel the emptiness, the lack of connection, the yearning for a sign. I also need to remember to listen, which I totally agree is the hard part. I always talk too much. Thank you so much for this. I’m also excited to learn of another Catholic blogger :)
Evelien
December 14, 2011 at 3:25 amI liked your post :)
God’s a great God and He’ll take care of it… He’ll heal you if you let Him!
Love,
Evelien
Erin
December 14, 2011 at 9:37 amThanks for sharing. Never, ever be afraid to share what’s on your heart or what’s true to you. Praying for peace for you.
Noris
December 14, 2011 at 10:15 amThank you!!! I sometimes forget that I have to listen too. I send you a big hug!! God bless you!
Mrs. Howard
December 14, 2011 at 11:04 amThank you for sharing! Last night when I was praying I tried hard not to JUST talk…but to listen! After the loss of our precious baby and in the midst of soo much grief, I had a similar experience. On what would have been his first birthday, I was crying so hard and I was really having trouble caring for my three other little ones. I started praying to Him to let me get through my day. At that exact moment I heard on the tv a “Happy Birthday” song start playing randomly on Disney. My son Connor started dancing around and I thought, “He’s having a party in Heaven and I’m sitting here crying! Enough!” My son and I danced around to the Happy Birthday song and the rest of the day I was at peace. Considering your friend was a Mama (and it sounds like an amazing one) perhaps she has adopted some more babies to watch over and guide…maybe even my Cole.
Anonymous
December 14, 2011 at 1:05 pmThank you so much for sharing, Natalie. Know that you have many people praying for you and supporting you in your grief. I lost my brother a month ago, and can identify with some of what you are experiencing. I know that words don’t make the pain go away… but just want you to know that you are supported through many prayers.
Krista
December 14, 2011 at 3:50 pmit so important to share these personal experiences. You never know how needs to hear it so I’m really glad you did. I often struggle with “not hearing” God. Maybe I’m not quiet enough either, and yes that can be so hard to do with little ones and the business of life. I think I’ll carve out a little bit of time for silence too.
On a personal note, I for one don’t have many people I can talk to and share my faith experiences with so I’d like to extend a sincere heartfelt thank you for having the courage to share yours.
Ashley
December 14, 2011 at 4:08 pmWhat a beautiful story. I can totally relate. Thank you so much for sharing. You are a perfect example that you can be both a devout Catholic and still be “cool”. I’m trying to do the same :)
e.louise {Liz}
December 14, 2011 at 4:10 pmThis post brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for sharing.
Katie Hoffman
December 14, 2011 at 4:34 pmThank you for sharing this. Your faith has inspired me today!
Christy
December 14, 2011 at 5:31 pmBig hugs for sharing this! It is inspiring to hear women engaging in their walk with God & how he is doing Big things in their lives.
Hugs!!
susanna internicola
December 14, 2011 at 6:14 pmthankyou for sharing!!
He is present,
more than we know or feel.
it’s good to hear about when He is felt
and heard
thankyou!!
MrsKinne
December 14, 2011 at 7:21 pmThis is beautiful. Thank you for sharing!
Charisse in L.A.
December 15, 2011 at 3:24 amI so appreciated your post. I did indeed come to your blog looking for baby girl ideas and inspiration, but found so much more. Thank you for sharing not only your faith, but also your humanness. In the busy-ness of life it is so hard sometimes to be still and listen to God. Thanks for the reminder, for the candid and beautiful baring of your heart, and for making no apologies for loving the Lord. Your post truly ministered to me; sending you prayers to heal your heart and for your friend’s family. Merry Christmas:)
Lauren
December 15, 2011 at 11:08 amI recently came across your blog. This post has inspired me to listen more to God – I too am Catholic, but sometimes feel I get so caught up in day to day responsibilities of being a working mom and always rushing around that I don’t spend nearly enough time just listening and praying! thanks for this post x and I was so awfully sorry to hear about your best friend, I had tears in my eyes watching that video you made of her
Sara
December 15, 2011 at 11:56 amNatalie, Thanks for sharing your faith and not being ashamed to do so! One of the things I look for in blogs that I follow are Christian women. There are so many blogs out there, why read ones who don’t share in the faith of Jesus Christ. God does talk to us, but sometimes it is just in ways we aren’t expecting. I am so glad you heard Him and are asking Him to heal your heart. What a tragic event you’ve experience, but somehow God can turn things around and use even the worst circumstances for His glory. Thanks again for not being ashamed to talk about our Lord Jesus Christ!
Carpenter's
December 16, 2011 at 7:15 pmSo honored that you shared your experience with me and everyone else. It was powerful, inspiring, uplifting and remarkable!! Thank you!
Anonymous
December 26, 2011 at 6:33 pmPsalm 46:10 says “Be still, and know that I am God.” We have to be still sometimes to hear God’s voice. And in that moment is when we fill the closest to Him. Glad you had that moment.