One Year Ago- I thought I might Die

I can’t believe it’s been a year. A year since I was in the hospital facing so much pain and fear. I thought I was about to leave my husband and my children and my family. I thought for sure the pain would be too much or they would finally run that last test and it would prove to be something we couldn’t fix. I teared up this week thinking about it. Sometimes I have a fear that creeps up in me that the pain will come back. That the 40 percent of my pancreas they removed with the precancerous cyst and my gall bladder and spleen will not have been effective and that cancer comes up somewhere else. In december I was at my parents house just crying in my mom and dad’s family room because I felt this weight over me as the one year came was coming up. Of course they reassured me and told me not to worry. worry does nothing. So I tried my best to tuck it away and out of my mind and just pray for peace. Peace in my heart and for strength in knowing that God has a plan and that if His plan is for it to come back.. let’s glorify Him with it. We can do this. He gives us everything we need to face our crosses.
(You can read my original hospital reflection post here)

So many of you heard about the incredibly story of Paul Coakley and his wife Ann. Ben and I went to the same college as them and had mutual friends. We followed their journey and bravery and amazing faith during those last days of his life. I couldn’t help but see similarities in our stories at the very beginning, but then sadly his diagnosis turned the other way. My heart broke for them. I looked at their photos and thought that could have been us. Our tests could have come back and been that far gone. It was amazing seeing the community rally behind them. and how sometimes moments of such suffering bring the most amazing qualities out of people.

My husband recently started a blog. The Striving Christian Man. I love reading his thoughts. love love it. He has such a heart for fatherhood and wanting men to have community and encouragement as they brave through being a father. He wrote a post today reflecting on the one year since I was in the hospital. ‘One year ago I thought I was losing my bride.’ I’m so thankful and grateful that I had such a strong and holy man by my side. He was my rock through all of that…the time in the hospital..and then the months after when I was recovering and coming off the medicine and healing and slowly able to get back to myself. I remember Micah not wanting to come to me. And sophia, so afraid every time I left for a check up that I was going to stay at the hospital and not come back. It really shook our family. shook us straight to the core and made us cry out to God with all the energy we had left. Begging for strength to get through that time.

Looking back I can’t believe how skinny I was. I didn’t even realize. Not eating that first week and then barely eating the week after that. I had no energy or strength. I remember being barely able to walk, let alone pick up micah. I was soo happy when I finally could pick him up and hold him and squeeze him. took a month or so but it came. I was so happy to be able to physically mother my kids again. There was a time there I had to hand that off to everyone around me.. I could barely comfort micah when he cried. But that time passed. And I encourage anyone going through a hard time, no matter what it is. Physical or emotional suffering….. this time will pass. God is good. and He is your strength. Give yourself grace and don’t try to do everything. It’s ok to have others help you. We need community.

I can’t believe where we are today. Healthy and all together. Announcing Baby #4 coming this fall. God is good. Thankful for all the people who prayed and took care of us this time last year. The meals..the letters from around the world to my kids encouraging them and making them smile….Thankful for my dad who took care of my kids that first week and my mom who helped there and with me at the hospital. Going back and forth staying with the kids or with me at hospital so that ben could be with the kids some nights. I needed them so much. And they were there. sleeping in those uncomfortable chairs at the hospital. being strong for me and then crying in the hall. Helping me get through those hours of pain at a time.

I do not know what the future holds… and if cancer will be a part of my story.
But I am grateful for the healing I experienced last year and the amazing
support I had from my family and friends. I feel stronger for experiencing that.
I am thankful for the suffering that brought me to my knees and closer to God.
I hope that I can always hold onto that as I face whatever comes my way.