My Postpartum Anxiety Experience

I wish I would have known more about Postpartum Anxiety. More about how common it is and how it’s ok to ask for help. Chase is my 6th baby but my first time experiencing PPA. Goes to show that every postpartum can be different!
After encouragement from my Husband, Mom and Pediatrician…I finally scheduled the video call with my OB doctor. She said she thought I had Postpartum Anxiety. I figured that was it after, one night at 2 am, I had googled “postpartum: why do I feel like I have a constant knot in my stomach and am panicked?”


Chase is not colicky but our fifth baby was… and my doctor said I was experiencing PTSD from that last postpartum experience… paired with the quarantine Chase was born into and all my hormones.. it was the perfect storm for PPA. I found myself crying daily, worrying all through the night so I couldn’t even sleep if the baby slept, my heart would be racing and I felt a constant knot in my stomach like I was about to give some big speech in front of a crowd, every baby cry made me panic that colic was about to start for this baby too, I didn’t feel like myself and I wasn’t able to mother the way I wanted. Or even enjoy the moments I was so worried over!

I remember the moment this photo below was taken…. I was holding back tears. My PPA was at an all time high. I was shaky, worrying about the kids, (who were just happily playing in another room) and had a knot in my stomach. Looking back, Chase wasn’t even that fussy in this moment, but I felt like he was going to burst into tears at any moment, like our last colicky baby, and I desperately wanted a “good memory” to look back on. I had spent time washing my hair and doing my makeup – it was my attempt to feel like myself but the whole time I was stressing over him crying for Ben. So by the time I was ready and Ben was going to snap a few photos I was so flustered with any fussiness – I felt bad for even showering to begin with. (which I know sounds crazy.)



It took me months before I asked for help- I only wish I did sooner! And honestly it was a few random DM’s from mamas here on Instagram who shared their experience and I felt so encouraged that there was a better way. If you are in a hard postpartum season struggling with anxiety or depression… let me be that person for you: it’s ok to ask for help. Talk to your spouse, talk to your doctor. Whether it’s medicine, getting help for a solid night sleep or learning tools to work through the hard moments…reach out to someone if you can. You’re amazing and doing big things.

I get messages asking how I do six kids so easily and I think I’m doing a disservice to other postpartum mamas if I don’t share the reality here: motherhood is not always easy but it is ALWAYS worth it. A week into having newborn Chase I knew I felt different than with the others.

I was crying every day. With my first 4 pregnancies I had the surge of hormones and emotions but this felt more. I didn’t feel sad but worried and overwhelmed. I would get the baby to sleep in the night and then not fall back asleep as I worried about everything. Sunday nights were the hardest because I knew Ben would be going to work the next day. I found myself one day trying to calm myself and breathing as if I was having contractions. I started trying different techniques to help cope with whatever was going on with me……EXAMPLE: When the baby would fall asleep (and everyone else was happy or napping.) I would sit down with him on the sofa and close my eyes and repeat I am calm and resting… over and over. I was trying to help myself just see that specific moment for what it was instead of rushing ahead to other things or worrying. It helped but not enough in those early weeks.

WHAT I DID TO TURN THE CORNER:
Finally at two months postpartum, I knew I needed more help. I talked with Ben and finally let go of the mom guilt. I let him help me more at night so I could get more sleep. I hired a cleaning lady. I scheduled a video call with my doctor and got on a low dose of antidepressants to take the edge off my anxiety. It immediately helped so much- and it has only gotten better as time went on. This season is still hard and overwhelming at times but I feel significantly more capable to handle it. It’s night and day really to how I felt at the start.

When I first shared about my PPA on Instagram, I kind of wanted to puke as I did it. Haha. I think it’s only natural that we want to share the good and fun but sometimes sharing real life isn’t that. It’s the hard parts. And the motivation to share the hard parts is that others don’t feel alone. They see you sharing how you experience hard seasons and still love your life. I think I always have felt a little guilty sharing any motherhood struggle because I’m blessed with six kids. I’ve prayed for them and they’re here! They’re my world. But saying something is hard doesn’t mean you don’t want it or love it. So if you’re feeling overwhelmed as a mom or struggling with postpartum… it’s ok to say it’s hard. It’s ok to say you need help.

It took me having a colicky baby to really get that. And even with that it took me two months this time before I could vocally ask for help again. Why are we so silly like that? I don’t know. But if you’re reading this there’s a good chance you’re in this season too and I just want to encourage you. It might feel hard and that it will last forever but it won’t. This is my sixth postpartum and the hardest yet. But now- almost 6 months out.. It’s incredibly better!! It can get better!

Ben helps a lot with the kids but it was hard for me to let go of the nighttime. I felt guilty if it wasn’t me feeding and changing and rocking him. But Ben finally encouraged and basically forced me haha to sleep in sienna’s bed and let him do the first feeding. Those hours of straight sleep were like magic! Having him help me more at night has been a game changer. My doctor told me that sleep will be a huge help in getting through this season easier. It’s SO TRUE. My babies aren’t really good sleepers till around 5 months. We just hit that with Chase a while ago and he has turned the corner with sleeping long chunks. I can feel how much long chunks of sleep are helping me. Even Ben made a comment that he can tell it’s helping me. Sleep is so important!


I love my OB doctor and before we signed off that video call she told me- bringing me to tears(again) “you are amazing!! This is normal!! You’re incredible and doing such a hard job!! I wish I could hug you and tell you that.” She said they had seen an uptick in PPD and PPA because of our world’s current situation. I BELIEVE IT.

Thinking of all my fellow postpartum moms today. Every day is a new day. Some are harder than others. But every day I do feel more capable. I’m known to worry about stuff out of my control or not worth stressing over (like the next day when Ben leaves for work.) and I’ve found that trying to stay in the moment and day helps. Set a plan for the day and something concrete you can focus on that brings you joy. Maybe that’s making a certain meal you like… or watching a favorite show.. maybe doing a fun activity with the kids in the backyard. Motherhood is HARD WORK but mentally slowing down and seeing the good moments helps me a lot. Maybe 30 minutes ago every child lost their mind haha but in this very moment they’re all playing nicely- AMEN! Soak that up!

 

I’m grateful I have a supportive husband and a house full of kids. I’m glad I asked for help. I’ve grown so much since becoming a mom and even though some days I feel like I fail at it… I will start again the next day because these are my people. I love them so much. I know other moms feel the same way. You got this!