My Heart for 2015

2014 rocked my world. So many wonderful and beautiful moments
mixed in with defeated and gut wrenching (literally) moments.

A couple months into 2014, I spent 2 weeks in the hospital with doctor’s telling me I should be an episode of House. I thought I was going to just stop breathing from the pain in my abdomen. I seriously had a moment thinking, this is it… I don’t know how I can go on.
I felt god the closest ever in that episode. Ben and my mom were on either side of me
and I felt like He and Shannon were right there.
I saw my kids hearts breaking while being away from me.
and my husband on his knees at my bedside hands clenched praying when
he thought I was asleep. I felt the prayers of friends and strangers and churches
through my blog lifting us up and praying for healing. During one of those
“how is this even possible” pain free moments- They found out the problem
and were able to go in and do surgery. My scan is coming up in March. And lately, to be perfectly honest,  I’ve had incredible fear.
I know what I SHOULD think.. and stressing and worrying doesn’t help…
but it weighs on me. Picturing the worst happening. Trying to push aside the negative
thoughts and put it in His hands. Trying to remember the moments when we first got through
that time…. micah finally letting me hold him… actually being strong enough to hold him too! Sophia still brings it up.. saying mommy I was so sad. I cried all the time for you.
Every time they see my stomach and the scars it brings it back for them..just like it does me. But we got through that time. It was scary and overwhelming but It’s in the past.
The pain that I experienced caused them to run all the tests in the book and the
reason they found the 4 cm precancerous cyst on my pancreas that they said
would have no doubt turned cancerous. We joke that for lent I gave up my gall bladder , spleen and 20-30% of my pancreas. No cheating on Sundays though.
And actually I never get them back.

We followed what we felt was God’s plan for us and moved to Charlotte this year.
I miss our friends back in Pittsburgh, but it’s been great being near my family and back down south. It feels like home. I’ve loved the friendships we have formed here.
Ben and I joke how it feels like college in Charlotte. Everyone wants friends and
is looking for community… I think it’s a southern thing too! But we are loving it
and thankful for taking that leap of faith and making this step.

This video was when we first got down here.
On the way to the pool we did what we always do.
frozen it up. I love how sophia is in the background doing all the moves too haha.

There are places here in Charlotte that remind me of Shannon.
For new readers, Shannon was my childhood best friend and was violently
killed by the estranged father of her children. We lived in atlanta most of the years,
but when I went to college my parents moved to charlotte. So when I would come home
for break she would sometimes come up here. Every time I walk into my parent’s guest room
I remember tricia and her on the bed from when they drove up for a day trip to charleston!
I think at the time I felt like I would always have days like that with her.
Right after she was killed a voicemail from her randomly came through.
I missed her by a day. She was calling to touch base about when I was coming down
from pittsburgh to charlotte, we were going to meet there for a visit.
I wish that that could have happened before we lost her.
One last time to soak up time with her.

She was in my dreams last month.
I was in a house.. and she was there, but I couldn’t really see her face.. I just knew it was her. Our kids were playing.. and she started to tell me how she couldn’t explain to me till now that it was all a big plan to keep her kids safe from him. That she wasn’t really killed. That she staged it and escaped with her kids. Oh my gosh I just break down and cry typing this out. I mean, it’s my heart.. what I wish would have happened.. that she got away with them.
I was so distraught in my dream… I even woke up to use the bathroom and sit in my bed and when I fell back to sleep the dream came back right where it ended. I couldn’t shake it.
I was crying in my dream and in real life. I woke up that morning feeling
more exhausted than when I first went to bed.
I have the photos of us on my birthday above my desk. (the one above.. we have the same tee on just different colors. she made me a scarf that year like the one she is wearing.)
The other day I was in church with sophia. Right after communion I was kneeling down to pray. Sophia looks up at me from my side and says mom I’m gonna pray for micah(he was sick) and for your friend in heaven. She didn’t know what I was thinking.. or feeling. but sometimes I feel like God uses my sweet little ones to bring me comfort and blesses me in moments when I need that push to know He has her. She is ok. We are all gonna be ok.

I think friendship is an incredible gift. God places people in your path and some you know right away are going to leave a mark on you life for the better. Writing this I can’t help but crinkle my nose and hold back tears. Lately I’ve had a lot on my heart and desiring to take advantage of the time I have here. To put effort into friendships and to stop and listen for the ways He wants me to glorify Him. It’s amazing when you can feel Him leading you somewhere. When you stop and let go of your plan and listen for His….I’m overwhelmed and excited all at the same time. I’m sad that she can’t be here to do life with. But like she said, God is on our side so all is good.” Clinging to Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

With the end of 2014, I felt this push to change the way I do some things. To live with more intention and beyond my plans…but to refocus and jump on the ride He has for us!
I’m applying this stirring in my heart to my family life and my work life.
I’m excited for the new things we have been working on for HAPPY MOMMY BOX.
Our desire when we started the company was to encourage and inspire moms.
We were always kinda PC about it.. and we got to a point lately where it was like hold up.
We need to be authentic and be true to our hearts and desire to bless mothers and women. Be intentional with everything we do!

We want to be very intentional with what we are putting out into the world.
What kind of mark do you want to leave on the world?
We want to impact mothers and reach them in the moments they need it the most!
We want to connect and build. We are getting to the heart of this with the upcoming changes. We are phasing out the monthly box after March as we focus on
these new projects for our HMB Moms! We’ll be sharing more
details on what’s next, but it’s awesome. and so us.
We recently celebrated our one year with a big party to celebrate motherhood.
I want to share more of the photos soon but here’s a few..and a video!
(photos by hidden pearl photography and video by charis)

We’ve had so many 2014 family moments that I just want to sit and think back on for hours. Our kids ages this year were fun and exhausting haha. I just love them so much.
I love seeing my husband play and pray with them. I think experiencing the sadness and crosses in life make you so thankful for those days when everyone is healthy and together.
I live with a bunch of goofballs that make me laugh and want to do all the heart emojis.

This year I’m jumping into 2015 wanting to take the bad and good, all of it….and live through it with intention. Everything is easier to get done and lived through when you do it with intention. I want to live intentionally with how I play and connect with my family. I want to live intentionally in how I work and connect with the women in our community.
Prioritize and live with His plan in mind. not mine.
pray hard, play hard. work hard.  I’m excited for this next year!