It’s different this time around without her…

April 16, 2012

I only have a minute.
I have one sick baby with daddy
and one wild thing grandma is chasing for me.
Luckily my mom is in town.. because I feel useless at times with how sick I am.
24-7 sick. I feel like I’m on a long bumpy car ride..
in the back seat.. and can’t get out to get some fresh air.
It’s worse than with the girls. combined.

But I can’t help but think of how each pregnancy… I shared with Shannon.
We were on the same baby track!
We would commiserate the sickness..the I want to eat everything in sight..
the EXCITEDNESS!! sharing when the babies kicked or contraction
details when it came time.
I miss that. 
and sometimes I find myself struggling again with “him” even though I still include him in my prayers each night. I feel just confused. confused that someone could do something like he did to such a beautiful person. a person who loved him with all his faults even when she was getting away from him to protect herself and her children. who told everyone to forgive him. she saw the good in people even when no one else did. so I’m trying to be like that.. but its hard when I think about these moments and experiences we can’t share anymore.
I’ve found myself going to text her.
or when the girls are down thinking Oh, I could call now I have a moment.

Saying a prayer for her help during these hard weeks..
and for blessings from above for this pregnancy and baby.
I miss you Shannon. Help me to be a good mama like you!

4
  • -Lauren
    April 16, 2012 at 8:53 pm

    She is with you. Probably more now then ever. xo

  • Lindsey
    April 16, 2012 at 11:14 pm

    I thought of this when I heard. I was so happy to for your news, but I couldn’t help thinking that she should be here with you. She had such joy that she could share her pregnancies with you and I was so happy that she had someone to share them with.

    Forgiveness is hard, the Easter sermon I attended was about how God’s love was like gravity, a force for all no matter where they are or what they’ve done. I’ve really struggled with that and him, but i can hear her voice in it. So we try and maybe one day it will be easier.

    I know that she is with you in this pregnancy as much as with your first two. I hope that you feel better soon.

  • Ana Hahn
    April 17, 2012 at 9:40 am

    So sorry, Natalie. I will say a prayer for you today, I know how hard this time is without dealing with this sort of loss, I cannot imagine what you’re going through.

  • Krista
    April 17, 2012 at 9:53 am

    I know Shannon is watching over this new life for you. It is tough to feel her I’m sure, but she is there. I pray that you can recognize little ways she is still with you and that they help to comfort your hurting heart.

    Hope the sickness eases up for you soon! I know how truly hard that can be to get through.