Yesterday I was cleaning my room and going through a stack of papers. A note sienna had wrote me months ago fell out of the pile. Reading it took me back! She had left it on my nightstand one night, months ago. I was deep in the early days of my Postpartum Anxiety with Chase and had broken down crying in front of everyone. My sweet Sienna wrote the most encouraging note from her heart. The part that touched me the most was where she said, “It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be sad. I will always be here for you and I love you.” I mean…. she is just the sweetest child.
This was before I had reached out for help. This was before I talked to my husband about how I mentally didn’t feel like myself. I felt like I should be able to function better than I was and gave myself horrible mom guilt for not “having it all together.” I constantly had a knot in my stomach sensation. I would find myself breathing like I was having contractions as I worked through a moment of overwhelm. Everyone would be happy and even quiet and I would worry about anything and everything. I could not go a day without crying multiple times. Most of the time I hid it but there were moments where I just had tears filing up in my eyes. Having a baby in quarantine, and having PTSD from a colicky baby was the perfect storm for my PSA. I’ve shared about it in a blog post earlier this year. Yesterday, discovering that note, made me feel like I should touch on it again.
Going through this was challenging but if any good came from it, was how my daughters (and sons but they are still young) know about postpartum struggles and what can happen. I had conversations with my girls about it. I didn’t know about PPA until after I was a mother. I feel encouraged knowing my girls can go into their motherhoods (if that’s in their future) and know that this is normal to experience and that there is help available. They know it’s not weak to ask for help.
My sons are young now but they’ll eventually go into their marriages and fatherhood (if that’s in their future too) being able to support their spouse and see how their own dad helped me.
They’ve seen how he scoops in to help with the baby and the big kids. Ben does the hard parts not just the parts of fatherhood that sound fun. He helped me get over my mom guilt and let him help at night. Sleep is so important to our mental health and he encouraged me so much. I know now all husbands are like that and I’m so grateful for him and that my boys can see him as an example.
So, almost months into my postpartum, I’m still taking it day by day. I’m still taking medicine to help with my anxiety. I’m not a perfect mother, but I’m a mom that says sorry and admits shortcomings. I’m a mom that shows you can love your life and be joyful even when you have moments that are incredibly hard. I think a lot of us can fall into a trap of thinking we are the only one who messes up or raises our voice or works ourselves too much that we break. I guarantee you…you are surrounded by women who feel the same way. So don’t be too hard on yourself. One thing I’ve learned in my motherhood is that we can’t do it alone and we don’t need to do it ALL. I’ve felt so much relief taking things off my plate. And if you can’t take things completely off your list… try to figure out a better way to get them done. Sometimes just reevaluating things and making a new plan can make all the difference.
PPA is still a part of my days and breaking things down better has been one of the ways I’ve coped with it. Instead of filling up every day with tasks, I give myself margin. Now, I go through seasons where I forget that tip myself!! I don’t leave any room at all and that doesn’t help us one bit. I used to make lists that went on and on and if I marked something off I would write something else that I thought of that needed to be done. But right now, I’m limiting the things. Example: at Halloween we didn’t carve pumpkins. We painted fake ones we already had. This week, we decorated gingerbread houses and I didn’t buy extra candy or style the table- I just did what was in the boxes and stuck down a tablecloth. I didn’t share anything on Instagram (which is my “work” as a blogger) and just took a photo before and after to share another day. I took tasks off my plate that I normally would have loaded up. And guess what? My kids loved every moment still! And I had some room to breathe. This season of PPA has been one of slowing down and taking away things that I normally would do. Maybe next year will be the year we do the pumpkin patch and carve the big messy pumpkins. But I’ve felt more peace just making good choices for the days we are in. Saying no to something doesn’t mean you have to say no to it forever!
I hope this encourages you. You’re doing enough. Maybe you’re even doing too much! Reflect and make choices that are best for you and your family in this season you are in. Don’t let the outside world stress you out! My Christmas wrapping paper this year is that- wrapping paper. Haha. No embellishments or yarn. I felt pressure to up that game a bit but then saw it for what it was and took that off my list. Scale back where you want- and I promise you’ll feel peace in those choices. Give yourself that margin!
If you’re walking through a season of PPA right now, just know you’re not alone and I’m praying for you!
Some days you’ll be pulled together and some days you’ll have that bun on your head and in pajamas all day.
Both are beautiful examples of motherhood!
There are still hard days but it’s way better than it was. The strangest part of PPA is that I could see it for what it was…but still not feel like I could deal with it? Does that even make sense? I needed medicine to help take the edge off for me. I’m so thankful I made that call to the doctor because it’s made my motherhood better. I also regularly go over everything I have to be grateful for and everything that I have accomplished. If you are experiencing PPA, look for the good in the season. I’ve seen my girls learning and growing as they see me experience PPA. I’m still showing up and loving being a mom to these amazing kids. Cry. Hug. Ask for help. Count your blessings over and over. You’ll feel stronger I promise.
Here’s my first post about my PPA Experience.
